[Conbiniverse] Welcome to ShinraMart!

This? Is PURE, UNADULTERATED CRACK, and it's all [info]cephy's fault. She accepted this as all her fault, but is oddly unrepentant.

She made the drabble request of "Zack, the graveyard shift." Yeah, well, I had recently read a story in Japanese class during the late shift at a conbini (convenience store), and so the first thing that popped into my head was "conbini." And nothing else would come. So. Um. Yes. AU LIKE WHOA, YO. >XD And crackilicious to boot. XD

Title: The Graveyard Shift
Series: FF7, but SO very AU. Conbiniverse.
Summary: The graveyard shift sucks. Except for when it doesn't.

It's not that it was the hours that were bad--they were, but still, you got used to it. It was the fact that it was boring. Graveyard shift in the middle of the week, you could go hours without seeing anyone. Except the boss, and really, that counted as not seeing anyone, as much as he talked. Graveyard shift, there were no gaggles of short-skirted high school girls to flirt with, no little kids trying to filch candy bars to glare at, no nothing. Aside from the crazies.

If Angeal had been on shift, they could have at least shot the breeze. And Genesis, well...yeah, Zack thought. Not much for conversation, but at least it wouldn't be so quiet, with him always reciting lines from a book like it was the greatest thing ever made. College boys, Zack thought with a faint grin and rolled eyes. Nope, neither one of those managers on shift, just the Great and Silent, Seph.

And really, it was a waste to have Seph on graveyard, Zack thought with a grin. Shoplifting went down to almost nothing when he was on shift. It'd take balls of steel to try and take something with that guy on duty.

The door jangled, and a little voice in Zack's head went "Oh, hallelujah!" at it. Finally, something was happening, and there was something for him to look at rather than at Seph staring out and not blinking. A twitchy-looking redhead came in, followed by some big bruiser, both of 'em in suits. From the looks of them, the redhead was probably on something, which made sense, this time of night. Renting?, Zack wondered. He looked the part, the way his clothes were only technically on, and hey, pretty as he was, he wouldn't be hurting for customers.

They wandered around the store, the redhead picking stuff up and putting it back, and the big guy with him occasionally murmuring something that made the twitchy one laugh. They finally settled on stuff, and the redhead headed straight over to where Seph was manning the register.

The "I hate my life" look crossed Seph's face, but Zack doubted the others knew that's what that look meant. "Ten dollars and fifty-eight cents," he said, voice flat.

"Well, ain't you got a sexy voice!" the redhead said, eyes going wide. He looked Seph up and down, and a smile crossed his face that Zack could tell promised trouble.

"...Here's your change," Seph finally said, holding out the change, and Zack remembered why the store kept putting Seph on graveyard--a people person he wasn't.

That was when the redhead reached out, bypassed the change, grabbed Seph by his uniform, pulled the shocked man over, and laid a huge kiss on him, complete with, what from Zack's angle, looked like tongue. "Keep it," he said, and grabbed his stuff, slinging an arm around the big guy and whistling as he went out.

Seph just stood there, jaw hanging open and looking violated. And still holding $9.42 in change. Until a dime dropped and rolled away.

Seph didn't move. At all.

The graveyard shift, Zack thought with a grin, really was, hands-down, the best shift some days.


And then the plotbunnies attacked, wearing conbini uniforms and yelling "Welcome to ShinraMart!"

Title: Smile!
Series: FF7, but SO very AU. Conbiniverse.
Notes:...Blame [info]cephy AND [info]writerzilch for this one. Timeline-wise, this is before "The Graveyard Shift." Hee.
Summary: Here at ShinraMart, we want to create a warm, friendly, conducive-to-shopping environment.

"Sephiroth," Lazard said, pushing his glasses up and giving Seph a friendly smile. "You are an excellent worker. Excellent. One of the best managers we've ever had."

"Thank you," Seph said, wondering how long this was going to take.

"And the amount of shoplifting has gone down to the lowest levels we've ever had at the store. And the number of armed robberies and attempts. We haven't had one since you stated working here. Really, it's quite impressive."

There had to be a "but" coming, there had to be.

And there it was. "But, there have been a few...complaints."

"About what, sir?"

Lazard smiled. "Nothing major. But in order to make a more welcoming, conducive to shopping environment, we need to put people at peace. And nothing does that like a bright, cheery smile and a boisterous 'Welcome to ShinraMart!' when they come in."

Seph stared at him. "You want me to smile."

"Yes. Come, come, it's not like it's that hard," he said. "You do everything well, I'm sure this will be no problem," he finished, and went back to doing paperwork.


The first time was an unmitigated failure.

He'd tried. He had. He gritted his teeth, plastered a fake smile to his face, and yelled "Welcome to ShinraMart!" at the first person to come in.

The woman had taken one look at him, whirled on her heel, and run out.

"Not so many teeth, Seph," Zack said, fighting a grin.


The second time was an unqualified disaster.

'Not so many teeth,' Zack had said. So. Fewer teeth.

"Welcome to ShinraMart!" he said, lips pressed together tightly in a toothless smile.

The little boy took one look at his face and burst into tears.

"...A few more teeth, Seph," Zack said, fighting a wince. "We have got to work on your people skills."

They really didn't pay him enough for this.


All of the pure, unadulterated crack that spawned this can be found here.

...There WILL be more. I promise. >XD

Though I'm not sure that's so much as a promise than a threat.