[fic] Deadly Sweet Mother

Title: Deadly Sweet Mother
Author: joudama
Fandom: FF7
Warnings: Child abuse of the Bad Touch variety. x_x
Word count: 1900ish
Summary: Deadly sweet mother, with hatred, nausea blooms.
A\N: ...I hate my brain. ;_; Anything inspired by the fucked-up version of Dir en Grey's "embryo" is not going to be a happy, functional story. If I never write another fic like this, GOOD. I disturbed myself with this.

Oh, and "Chímaira" references a fic I did recently, "The Griffin and the Chimera." I also made up names for Genesis' parents. Pillaging Greek mythology FTW.

And I'd like booze now.

--

The little monster is sleeping.

Hewley told us today, and just today, exactly what kind of monster ShinRa had given us. ShinRa hadn't told us much of anything, other than "Here's a baby, we want regular reports," but the fact that one of their scientists, who wasn't from anywhere near Banora and didn't speak the local dialect at all, showed up to live here with her own baby in tow made it very clear that this wasn't just a gift from ShinRa. We'd gotten little things out of both Hewley and Hollander when he would contact us--Hollander was a motormouth, and he was the one who first let slip that the boy was a failed experiment.

Who knew what that meant? I don't think Hewley told us everything, for all she said she did. She's a terrible liar, but she's stubborn.

He's been throwing temper tantrums at school. Terrible ones, all because they put him and Hewley's brat in different homerooms. Apparently he'd gotten it in his head that since they were together their first year of school, it would be like that every year, and finding out otherwise set him off. He's been having fits every day for two weeks, from the day they started the school year, and they've gotten so bad the school finally called us and Hewley in. His homeroom teacher said what all of us were thinking--that the boy's not right, that he's unstable. Hewley tried to blow it off and insisted Genesis was just a 'normal little boy', but who does she think she's kidding?

I put my foot down when we left, when the little monster got his way and they changed Hewley's son's homeroom, and told her to either tell me what we were in for and why ShinRa had given us that child, or else I was shipping him back or putting him in the first orphanage that would take him. She told us how he was defective and would degrade and worse, told us about the things he might be able to do and how his cells would react to other cells by trying to take them over, and then threatened us quite nicely when I said I was done, ShinRa could take their failed experiment back. There was no giving him back, ShinRa wouldn't allow it, and if anything happened to the boy or any signs he wasn't being cared for, well, we were set up nicely thanks to ShinRa, and it'd be a shame if Iapetus lost his position as mayor or there were problems with the Rhapsodos orchards.

She's ShinRa through and through, for all she quit. I almost wonder what leash they've got that bitch on, for her to be jerking ours so much. She may be bluffing, but we can't afford the risk. She hadn't wanted to tell us anything, but she full well knows that we can make her life as difficult as she can make ours.

Only we're the ones saddled with a Chímaira of our very own.

I don't even know why I'm here right now, in his room in the middle of the night. Other than...other than I think I want to kill him. I want him out of my house, out of my life, and I'm chained to him. I want to put my hand over his mouth and hold it there until he won't move anymore. My hand had reached out before I knew it, and is pressed against his mouth. I hate the way his lips feel against my palm. I slide my hand down quickly, down to his throat.

Tiny little neck. Not much bigger than my wrist, almost. The skin there is soft, warm, almost like silk, and I feel disgusted just touching the little monster.

He's a gift, Adrasteia, since you...he's ShinRa's gift for my loyalty.

A gift.

My little 'gift' is starting to move, and I can feel his little pulse beating faster as my hand gets tighter around his neck. Just a little more, just a bit, it would be so easy.

I had better stop. ShinRa wouldn't take kindly to terminating their little failed experiment this way. And Hewley would never believe, now of all days, that I'd had nothing to do with him dying.

I should have given in to the urge to smother him in his sleep I'd had when he was an infant. No one would have questioned a tragic crib death.

It wasn't fair. I had miscarried every time I tried to have a baby, and yet someone had been able to bear this...this abomination. He should have been aborted, never should have been cobbled together, never should have been, not when all my babies died before they could even draw a breath. It wasn't fair.

I don't know when I started stroking his skin with my fingertips. The skin of his neck is warm, smooth, and I can feel it now that I'm not squeezing anymore. He'd settled back into sleep, breaths quick and desperate but calming down. His neck is so small that the fingers of one hand reach around it, and shifting slightly has my pinky against his collarbone. It's small, delicate, and so breakable. I could break this hideous thing so easily. I trace his collarbone with my fingers, imagine catching it between my thumb and fingers and snapping it.

My hand is on his chest, and I can feel his warmth and his heart beating beneath my hand even through the thin cloth of his pajamas. I suppose if he were human, I would feel protective or something at how little he is, but I don't. Not when all I feel is disgusted. He never should have lived; my babies never should have died.

My hand is on his stomach now. It's soft and round and warm. I'm touching him more than I have since he was an infant; since before he started making me ill after my last miscarriage, the last one before the doctors told me I could truly never have a baby of my own, and I hired fresh-faced nannies to come in and touch him for me. His belly is smooth, without the faint scars that mar my own.

Hewley's words are coming back to me. I can't really be surprised. I'm thinking about how I can never reproduce on my own and of course that would make me think of how Hewley had said so dispassionately that this child's very cells could one day potentially create more of him from others. She didn't tell us the details, but I can't help but wonder how he'll do it, get his cells into someone else, and the sharp, disgusted laugh I let out catches me by surprises.

That will be a shock, I wager, as my hand drifts down lower, the first time he has sex.

The very thought makes my skin crawl as my hand traces his immature sex. Oh, he won't have any problems; he's a beautiful child and the son of a rich man; he'll have women spreading for him as soon as he's old enough to do anything with it.

I hate this child.

"Mother?" Genesis says, blinking sleepily and looking confused. I don't know when he woke up. "Why are you--" he starts, and it's all I can do not to snap his neck right there and scream for him to never call me 'Mother' again.

"Shh," I say instead, and smile. His eyes get big at that, so I reach down and stroked the little monster's hair. His hair is thick, the slippery texture of it displaying as much as his eye shape does the Wutai buried somewhere in him. One of his biological parents probably was from some northern area; half of everyone in the northern part of the world has Wutai blood running through their veins because of all those invasions during the Warring Era. You can tell especially looking at Hewley and her son; they both have that black Wutai hair. Who knows where Genesis' red comes from.

The brat is smiling back now, like he's ecstatic, and I feel sick. Sick at touching the...the monster that ShinRa had foisted on me, and hatred burns through me like fire. He is good--he knows how to charm people, he knows he's a beautiful little boy and how to win attention, and is trying to throw his little glamour on me with that smile. It makes me want to slap him, as hard as I can.

He's squirming around, and I know why. My other hand is right where it was before I noticed he was awake, and little beast that he is, he's stirring, and I clamp down, hard. Almost instantly he lets out a sharp little cry and his eyes fill with tears. "Shh," I say, stroking his hair again, but clamping down harder at every whimper he makes. "The more noise you make, the more it will hurt. So shh," I finish, and keep my voice soft.

He takes in one sharp, gulping breath and goes quiet, looking terrified, and I loosen my hand until it's just resting against him. He's shaking, but quiet. "There, that's a good boy," I say, smiling, when all I really wanted to do was pull out his hair, rip him apart and fling his genitals into the fields. I let my hand stroke over him instead, wherever I imagine digging my nails in and tearing him him to bits, and the more I want to scream, the gentler I make my voice shushing him. He's smiling for some stupid reason and he has no idea how much I want to slap him until he never smiles again, and so I'm touching that disgustingly soft skin of his cheeks and imagining myself digging my nails into them. Soon enough I'm only stroking his hair and his eyes are drifting back shut. He's smiling a little in his sleep, as if he's happy, and I can feel the corners of my own lips turning up, but it's not a smile he would like. I'm smiling because I'm imagining everything I could do to him, replaying that terrified look from before in my mind.

When he's asleep again, I leave. I feel better, less like I need to scream and fling things, do all the things I can't because I know Hewley will be watching like a hawk now.

Fine, let her. This is never happening again, after all. I never want to touch the disgusting little chimera again. I'd never liked touching him anyway--it was like some part of me knew he wasn't human and pulled away instinctively. I never touched him unless I had to--I hired nannies for that, and replaced them if they got too close--and I'll never touch him again. He'll just write this off as a dream, especially since tomorrow I'll act the same and snap at him if he's acting strange, and if he says anything tell him to learn to tell dreams from reality. All it will take is one 'Why would I go into your room at night?' to make him question everything. He's just a child and he doesn't seem to know real from imaginary half the time as it is.

He won't remember anything anyway. But I'll remember, remember how his pulse felt beneath my fingers and the terror in his wide eyes.

Sleep well.

You monster.
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Comments

...hooooolyyyyy shit.

That was probably the darkest interpretation of that woman I've seen to date - and it rings horribly true.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I want some bleach...
I will join you in partaking of the brain bleach. Because gaaaaah. Writing that in first person made me want to get myself booze by the time I was done.
...I. er. Completely fail at having an icon that adequately expresses how much I want to slap that woman into the next century and also apply quite a string of restraining orders. Though maybe Sydney here comes close?

I don't think I've ever been this pissed off at Hojo, partially because "sadistic bastard" is kind of built into what you expect from him...? It's hard to get any shock value out of Hojo being a bastard at someone, because he's so 'been there done that' on just about every front of bastardness available that he's not really human anymore.

But this character... she got me pretty hard. and I'm really REALLY hoping that Genesis from the Romys doesn't bump into this fic, because wow talk about triggers... but I don't know of a non-traumatic way to go plant a warning? 'oh by the way, you might not want to read this fanfic about someone's mental image of your mom?' That... just can't go over well... okay yeah I'm blathering, because I'm really, REALLY disturbed right about now...
Yeah, see why I was so asdfghjkl at my fic-brain walloping me with this? Gaaaah. My brain can never do this to me again, thanks. The first-person present of it made it extra punch in the face.

And I think Sydney slapping her, given those claws, is perfect. Genesis' mom is...just...yeah, no.

I am kind of worried about people getting triggered by this. I usually don't put warnings on things since I consider warnings kind of spoiler, but from time to time, yeah. People get warnings.
I kind of flailed through a warning over on Genesis' journal too, just in case. *still failing coherence roll pretty badly* Just. er. AAAUGH.

I can't get my head around what it must've been like to feel compelled to write it, because it's the sort of thing that makes me want to scrub my head clean just having read it, and. er. did I mention failed coherence roll?
Good call.

It was one of those things where writing it was the only way to get it out--if I don't just write something my fic brain is trying to work on, it randomly starts running lines of narrative of the fic, in my head, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Trying to get work done while having something like lines of fic in Adraseia Rhapsodos' first person voice coming at you is doomed to fail. I wanted her to shut up. ;_;

I hate disturbing myself. I've done it a few times before, but this one...yeah. asdfghjkl;booze now.
--also, completely at random but HEY DESPERATION-INDUCED CHEERFUL TOPIC SHIFT FTSOMETHING, what do you use to crosspost stuff between IJ and LJ? Because my brain has completely hit the breaking point trying to link IJ-links to IJ-indexes and LJ-links to LJ-indexes and communities to the journal they're on AND remember to keep them all up to date AND my indexes are heinously ugly but the thought of rewriting them all twice and keeping all the links straight manually makes my soul cringe, and so I'm hoping there's a tool out there that's better than raw HTML coding straight in the web window which is what I'm currently doing? Because I'm several fics behind on updating my indexes and I know the longer I let it go the higher the chances that I'll miss something and yeah. Want tools. Tools goooood.
YAY TOPIC CHANGE.

I'm on a Mac, so I use the iJournal and xJournal clients. I like the iJournal interface the best, but it can only do LJ, so xJournal is for posting to ij.

Semagic is for the PC and what I used to use before I switched to Mac. Semagic is really good and will allow you to post on multiple journals simultaneously, and has a nice WYSIWYG interface. Cut-n-pasting links is a whole lot easier than manual code.
ah drat, I was hoping there was something other than Semagic for Windows - the last time I tried it about 4 years ago, it completely drove me nuts. Although maybe they've cleaned it up since then? *wanders vaguely in the direction of Sourceforge*
Everyone I know who has it seems to love it; I've been on Macs for three years now, so I'm not sure if they've cleaned it up since back then. ^^;;
...nope, looks like they haven't changed it -- there's so many buttons there isn't enough space for 'thinking' room in the edit window for me, and the user whose crossposting instructions I shamelessly cribbed says that there's no way to simultaneously edit something that's been crossposted in multiple places. And that right there is the only thing I want it for, to keep my indexes up to date, because if it was just the initial crossposting, LJ-Sec does that far more elegantly and without the crazy buttonspawnage of doom. XD

If you happen to know of a Windows-friendly way to simultaneous-edit entries posted to two journals, I would be crazily grateful! But at the moment, if Semagic doesn't allow multiple-edits to go with the multiple-posts, it's looking like the manual process in the editing window is honest to God my best option, because at least in the web interface I can see more than six lines at once...
Maybe Loch Edit? (I think that's what it's called; it's Loch-something), but I have no idea. I update crossposts manually m'self. Pain in the ass, but it works. ^^;;
My google fu is weeeeak. I am completely failing to find Loch Edit. XD I think I have a possibly workable plan B though - I write webpages for a living dagnabbit, so I'll just stop mucking about with LJ's not-QUIIIIITE-HTML and do honest to God real HTML in Dreamweaver (with multiple columns for IJ links and LJ links so I don't have to make and sync two completely different but parallel sets of pages anymore). :)
Google-fu is only as good as the source info--it's LochJournal. ^^;; I don't know if it'll do what you want, though--I don't think any of them do.

I always update my fic main page when I have a new fic done because I am lazy and forgetful--if I don't do it right then, I'll forget. When I do update it, I just have the edit pages open for that page on ij and lj, and add the fic with a the link code blank on one page, and copy paste that whole bit into the other, then paste in the right links.
(nodnod) mooooost of the time I do that with my fic indexes, but for the last couple I went "...well shit, these are both turning into miniseries of their own, so I should probably reorganize the page structure, except it's either near or past midnight and I have to get to work on time tomorrow morning, so hey, Procrastination Feels Good!" *snooore*.

And now I'm looking at those pages and the thought of editing both of them in place and in parallel with double-nested unordered lists and NOT ending up pasting the wrong bit in the wrong spot over and over again on both pages is making my brain curl up and die a little. XD
...yeah, see, I'd have mislinked fic like whoa if I tried to do everything parallel at the same time. I just stick with doing everything in tabs in Firefox--get one page done, copy-paste it into the other and then replace the links, with the fic open in tabs as well.

And I really need to find a better way to do my master lists. As the amount of fic is growing, the harder it is to make it look organized and not like a mad list.
*HUGS* Thanks for thinking of Genesis - he usually doesn't indulge in fanfic at all, especially with them being in school right now, so no worries, he's okay.

Between us and the Romys, we really should write on our relationships with fandom...but I digress. (And on behalf of us and the Romys, we're really glad that folks care.)

...I hate my brain. ... If I never write another fic like this, GOOD. I disturbed myself with this. ... And I'd like booze now.

Just to point out to you and Jou, this? This is a very adequate warning, more so than the "Warning" itself! Seriously.
See, I've been yelled at in the past for not putting enough warnings on my more fucked up fic, so I err on the side of caution nowadays. ^^;
And I thought your "AAAAAGHHH EVIL FIC!!!" outbursts were simply verbal puking. :3

Seriously, we don't believe in holding fic authors responsible for warnings from here-to-hell-and-back - if I pick up a book in the bookstore, I'm not going to have those warnings, I have to (GASP!) rely on my own judgment and take responsibility for my curiosity if I should read something disturbing. It's always been a bit of weird to me that fan writers alone are held to such an unreasonable level of responsibility for their readers' welfare.
That's good to know - I mean, I have a mental squick about people who go and write wingfic about Leonardo diCaprio getting it on with someone completely implausible and to whom he's most likely not in the least interested. Because he's a breathing person with actual feelings involved. RPfic squicks me on all kinds of levels. But I don't usually get squicked by fanfic, because the fiction label is clearly there in my head.

But then I met you guys, and I had to stop and go "well okay, for me this is fanfic, but for them it's not only RPfic, it's RPfic about them," and that's when I went 'ohmigod Genesis probably shouldn't read this'. I'd freak right out if someone wrote a fic like this about my mom...

But if you guys are OK about having a mental "this is fanfic about people using characters who have our names and our general backgrounds but not something we should personally internalize as being ABOUT US," that makes me feel much less worried about the notion of writing fanfic in front of you, so to speak? ^_^;;;

I still haven't figured out what I should say to Kadaj about the fanfic series I'm writing based on Aster's mpreg fanfic, because talk about weird conversations to have... "oh hey there, I'm writing this completely cracked out thing involving you getting pregnant in defiance of normal human biology But Hey Normal Human Biology Doesn't Apply so if you object to being virtually emasculated please look the other direction and whistle loudly?" XD I have a feeling Yazuu wouldn't mind nearly as much as Kadaj might, but I didn't know y'all when I started, and... well... it's fanfic, and... yeah.

*still failing coherence roll, just spent 2 hours at H & R Block trying to sort out taxes and my numbers are still $1000 off their numbers so I'd better try again...*
*glomps!* Hey, we're going to write a series of posts about plurality and fandom, mind if we quote you without identifying you by name? You're more coherent than you realize, and you bring up so many important points that we'll want to talk about.
Sure thing - that's perfectly fine with me! :)
It's always been a bit of weird to me that fan writers alone are held to such an unreasonable level of responsibility for their readers' welfare.

I've never gotten that, either. I've always figured, if you read something that disturbs you in a book, or saw it in a movie, you wouldn't expect for there to have been warnings all over the back of the book what kind of troubling things are in it, or on the movie ticket. In a way, warnings are spoiler. Which is why I had to in the past be browbeaten into putting them on--I'm not kidding when I saw I was chewed out for not doing so, and real life chewing out by friends. That friend was the one I was thinking about when I first put warnings up on this.

Ironically enough, though, the same friend who once chastised me to have more consideration for my readers seems to not have the same consideration for me, since she once gave me a fic prompt that could have sent me very easily off into depression and insomnia land, and when I said that I had back off parts when I was writing, she said that yeah, she could tell I had backed off, but I'd do it right later. Um. :/

But fic writers are just here to provide the squee or something.
...you wouldn't expect for there to have been warnings all over the back of the book what kind of troubling things are in it, or on the movie ticket. In a way, warnings are spoiler.

Exactly! To me, that's what ratings are for - generic enough guidelines that, taken with the preview or any released art about the book/movie, tell anyone who's interested how bad the bad parts might be without giving everything away. For example, if, in a horror movie, the method of killing is an important detail, they're not going to say the movie's rated R for duct-taping people and tossing them into a wood chipper, it'll say it's R for graphic violence and leave it at that.

People have gotten spoiled for spoilers, especially in the U.S. (I think) - every product has detailed info/warnings to the point that you don't even want to take aspirin anymore, you know? But without those extreme levels of caution, people don't know how to take care of themselves anymore.

I'd love to see fandom grow up to the point where a simple rating system was all that we'd need to get along without argument - if a story is rated Mature (violence and disturbing sexual images), that should be all anyone needs to make an informed decision whether or not to indulge without giving the plot away.

Ironically enough, though, the same friend who once chastised me to have more consideration for my readers seems to not have the same consideration for me, since she once gave me a fic prompt that could have sent me very easily off into depression and insomnia land, and when I said that I had back off parts when I was writing, she said that yeah, she could tell I had backed off, but I'd do it right later.

That's just wrong. Prompts can be far more dangerous than fics, since they're just seeds looking for an idle brain full of shit fertile ground in which to grow, and the more full of shit imaginative a writer is, the more the hazard of winding up with a carnivorous tentacle plant in your mental garden.

But fic writers are just here to provide the squee or something.

I'm gonna steal your schtick and just say "Yeah, so...no."
I do think people are babied too much, yeah. I've got my own bookcase full of Issues, but I don't expect the world to go around blunting everything the way fandom seems to. Fandom is very, very, VERY good about making it so no one has to think, usually by guilt tripping (by the readers) or going 'you're too sensitive!' (by the writers). Truthfully, I've had something kicking around in my head on fandom reactions to race and why I'm NOT looking forward to one of the main characters in FF13 being Black--I'm having a horrible sinking feeling already at the thought of how fandom is going to muck this up and do the same tired shit as always: ignore or Magical Negro, and then go 'You're too sensitive! I'm writing my story!" at anyone pointing this out to writers)

And hey, why NOT do a rating thing like that? I very well might do that from here on and that's all the warning people get. I know I'm tired of trying to figure out how to word warnings so I'm not giving everything away but am still cutting off the "How could you not warn for ___?!"

I still remember sitting and staring open-mouthed at the prompt my friend gave me and going, "...I don't believe she gave me, of all people, that. What." Especially since she's known me for over ten years. It was like hitting a raw nerve.

The only good thing to come out of that was I got so twitched out while writing that I stopped and did "Where One's Responsibilities Lie" to keep my brain from going into angsty broodville and staying there. The fic I wrote for her was good and I'm proud of it, but I'd have been a mess if I hadn't stopped and went, "I'm going to write something completely fluffy now, or else I'm going to start having problems."
Um. O.O D:

I ...think I'm going to go read some crack now, yeah.
As soon as I finished writing this, I literally said out loud, "I would like to write something funny now."

asdfghjkl;
*supports this idea*


Hey, have you watched Torchwood or read From Eroica With Love? Because cracky plotbunny like whoa.
I've vaguely heard of both, but that's about it.
Stumbled over here from Genesis of TeamRomy's journal (investigating the fic Gen shouldn't read ^_~), and I must say. Damn! Quite good. My mother was never quite this vicious, quite the opposite in fact, but this is an excellent portrayal of the darker side of the Hewley and Rhapsodos matrons.

I especially like the idea of her being repulsed by someone not-quite-human. I believe (and honestly know from personal experience and my own treatment of my Sephiroth) that most people really are quite... freaked out by the results of such experiments. It's all well and good for us to say "I'd be compassionate", but in reality you'd be faced with something very scary and creepy and very much Not Right. Rare is the person who can reach out to such people. Of course, most people don't go to quite the other extreme, like Genesis's mother in this, but some do, and they're often interesting to read about.

I applaud you for an excellent and disturbing fic, though I think I'll be keeping Seph away from this one. ^__^
Yeeeeeeeeah, keep Seph away from this one.

And thanks! I kind of see Genesis' mom here as someone who was extremely bitter and vaguely disgusted already (which I also kinda see as displaced anger at a lot of things, not least of all herself), and add frustrated anger to the mix plus finding out she got a failed experiment and the inherent disgust at that, and disturbing comes out.
I only wish to be able to write something like this.

As of now, I want to applaud you. And maybe take a shower. But I love this fic and the song that inspired it.

Also was listening to "Itoshigo Yo" by Rurutia while reading. This definitely goes into my favorites.

All in all, great job.
Thanks! Ironically enough, I kinda wish I couldn't write things like this, because it leaves me disturbed at myself. ^^;;

And I'm afraid I don't know that song you mentioned; I'm kind of out of the jrock loop now....
You're quite welcome. I love stories like this, that make me feel things. And then inspire me to think that maybe I can write half as well.

I'd be glad to send it to you, if you want it.
Sure, I'd like to hear it. :)
Here is Itoshigo Yo in its original form.

And a bonus ballad version.
Thanks, this is a pretty song!
You're quite welcome! ...I'm gonna torture Kairi some more now. Thanks for the inspiration! :D
*directed here by my darling rubyfruit_pixie* Wow... I'm impressed. Disturbed, but impressed. Unfortunately, the ending is very realistic.
Thanks, and let's all be disturbed together! *curls up more under blanket*
You're welcome!