[fic] The Practicalities of Life

Title: The Practicalities of Life
Author: joudama
Fandom: FF7
Rating: G
Word count: 580ish
Prop Used: Bubble gum
Warnings: None
Summary: Why peanut butter can be your friend and save you from paperwork.
AN: Written for propfiction on DW


Sephiroth didn't much like paperwork, but it was necessary. He was in the middle of filling out forms when he heard the very distinctive sound of a fireball exploding in the middle of the hallway, and then a most decided yelp.

"What under the Heavens--?" he went, putting his pen down and getting up. Whatever it was, it also very distinctly sounded like more paperwork, and he was going to ensure it was not him doing it.

He wasn't quite expecting what he found. Genesis Rhapsodos was known for his temper-Bomb having something of a short fuse, but it was rare to hear the man howling. And howling he was, along with fighting to get past Angeal, who was doing his able-bodied best to keep himself in between Genesis and the hapless object of Genesis' rage.

It took him a moment to make it out, but then he realized it was Angeal's young protege, Zax or something--Zack, he remembered, who was hiding behind Angeal. The boy, extremely young and a freshly-minted SOLDIER, in general had struck Sephiroth as rather harmless and good-natured--he had to be for Angeal to take an interest in him--and he couldn't imagine what he could have possibly done to put Genesis into that destructive a mood.

He would have worried more, had he not realized Angeal was turning red not from exertion, but from trying not to laugh.

"Now, c'mon, Gen, it was an accident!" Angeal said, keeping himself between Genesis and Zack. "He didn't know you were walking by."

"I didn't know!" Zack whimpered. "I would never have popped that bubble if I had! It was an accident!"

"Stop hiding behind him and get out here!" Genesis yelled, and when it looked like he was about to light off another fireball, Sephiroth sighed and cleared his throat loudly.

"Seph! Help a guy out over here!" Angeal said as soon as he noticed him.

"What is going on here?"

Genesis pointed accusingly at Zack. "That little...my hair. My HAIR!" he yelled, and Sephiroth realized what all of Genesis' howling before had been--cries of "my hair."

There wasn't enough coffee in the building for this.

"What did he do to your hair?" he said tiredly.

Genesis gestured frantically at his hair. "Look! Just look!"

Sephiroth walked over, slightly wary because of Genesis' obvious bad mood, the way Angeal was biting his lip and starting to turn redder from trying not to laugh, and the way Zack was wincing. When he got close enough, the problem was obvious.

There was a rather large wad of what looked like bubble gum--what had been a bubble from the looks of it--stuck in Genesis' hair.

"Ah," he said, not sure why Genesis was so angry.

"Look at it this way, Gen," Angeal said, snickering. "You've been needing a haircut for a while."

Those were the wrong words, it seemed.

Sephiroth quickly grabbed Genesis' arm just as Zack let out a panicked, "Please don't kill me!" and hid even more behind Angeal.

"Come on," Sephiroth said. "If peanut butter doesn't get it out, then a haircut may be in order, but it doesn't look that bad. This is unnecessary."

Genesis stopped and stared at Sephiroth. "Peanut butter?"

Sephiroth gave him a level look. "My hair is long enough to more than touch the ground if I sit down and is apparently sticky-handed-small-child length as well," he said, getting a momentary weary look on his face. "I have had more gum than that stuck in my hair before," he said, and dragged Genesis away.


*cackles madly* Poor Seph. Between Genesis and Zack, he's got his work cut out for him.
>XDDDDD He really, really does. His paperwork is going to be a mile-high. >XD

And he constantly wonders how it is he gets stuck with the paperwork, since one would think it'd be Angeal. >XD
He's the General, he should be able to delegate paperwork! ;P
*snerk* But Angeal's a general, too. And knows how to make himself scarce. ;)
...Then Seph will just have to form a search party and flush him out, won't he? >D It'll be fun! Like a training exercise.

...Either that or he could just attach a radar tag to Zack and set him loose.
*snerk* That would be one hell of a training exercise, especially since screwing up could mean running head-long into a pissed-off Genesis or hyperactively bouncing Zack. >XD

And putting a radar tag on Zack has me cracking up at the thought of Seph with a tranq gun. >XDDDD
...bwahahaha Wild Planet with your host, Sephiroth. This week, stalking the wild Angeal.

Cloud: *hoists camera and mutters* How do I get dragged into these things?
Awesome. XDDD And the bit about peanut butter? Totally new to me!
Hee--I've never done it myself (since I've never gotten gum in my hair, knock on wood), but I've heard about it from long-haired friends. XD

And you know Seph's hair has to be a small-child-hand magnet. You just KNOW it.
And you know Seph's hair has to be a small-child-hand magnet. You just KNOW it.

Totally reminds me of Konzen and Goku from Saiyuki Gaiden - hair, hand, grab, YANK!

...tho, with Sephiroth, one might wonder about the DNA on the roots of the hairs... *imagines a Jenova!hairball rolling around Midgar looking for victims lunch*
*dies* Can you imagine the first time a baby or small child grabs Seph's hair and he's like, "WTF just snuck up on me?!" and looking for the enemy and instead there is this sticky-fingered small child delightedly trying to pull his hair out. >XD

And *sneeerk* at the Jenova-hairball.
LOL!!! This is brilliant!
Thank you, thank you; I'll be here all week. >XD
I am now having this mental image of SOLDIER releasing one of those books of domestic hints. They could all contribute: Sephiroth how to get bubblegum out of hair, Angeal on how to deal with pests and diseases affecting your houseplants (and possibly cleaning up after not-quite-housebroken puppies), Genesis on the proper care of one's wardrobe...

If you went further afield, I'm sure the Turks have plenty of knowledge about removing pesky stains, too.
Oh, lord, the SOLDIERs Book of Quick and Easy Domestic Tips for Men on the Go would be a thing of hilarious, hilarious crack. The random-ass things people would come up with... *dies*

It would definitely have to have a "Things NOT to Do" section. Things like:

Tip from Zacks!
-Don't try to iron your clothes while you're wearing them to save time. The time you save will immediately be lost as you scream and try to find a Cure materia or a potion.

-That thing you can't recognize any more in the fridge? Don't eat it. For the love the gods, don't eat it. Just throw it out.

-There's a reason why your mom always separating the clothes before she washed them. You should do it. If not, just remember: you ARE man enough for pink. BELIEVE it and you will BE it. You kinda won't have a choice."
Tips from Reno:

* Y'know that green wobbly bit from somewhere in the torso? Yeah, well if you bust that, you may as well throw out the shirt. And the suit. Not to mention the shoes. That stuff doesn't come out no matter what you do.
* While it is physically possible for an unenhanced human to out-drink a SOLDIER, it is not financially possible for anyone whose surname isn't Shinra to attempt it. Always make sure the SOLDIER is paying.
* I've been told the maximum edible lifetime of any food is about a week. The chick that told me this don't know nothing about spray cheese. That stuff lasts forever, man.

Yes, I can see Sephiroth being fairly practical about such things - although he probably wants to murder the people in PR who are insistent on him not chopping his hair back to a more reasonable length, or changing the style.

Oh, and according to Nesa, Shinra military procurement and admin saved a few thousand gil on the budget by ordering all the regulation underwear in off-grey rather than white. As was pointed out in the inevitable committee meeting, it's bound to wind up that colour anyway, so why not just save time on the whole matter? She also says the gil goes toward the cost of General Heidegger's purple love-heart silk boxers (and boy did I not want to know that little detail) and his second wife's alimony, not to mention dealing with the inevitable issues caused by the inability of the President's fifth mistress to tell left from right (the panel-beating is the least of it).
*snicker* You know Seph could probably write a book about how to get things out of your hair. And he knows the importance of conditioning the tips. >XD

And *snerk* Yeah, that is definitely a way to save money.
pffffft ahahahaha! ^______^ man, I have been there with Sephiroth on the peanut butter before. Only my teachers usually used ice, because the school's industrial-grade peanut butter was scary gritty paste stuff, and it didn't do the trick the same way the home-stuff does, I'm not sure why. Ice generally worked OK for those of us who had dead-straight hair, but anybody who had curls got to go home and get the peanut butter treatment...

...don't even get me started on my brother's friends who thought it was the awesomest thing ever to put slugs in my hair. >.< Times when you wish you had Genesis' fireballs handy, I swear.

...you know, that might explain a whole helluvalot about why Sephiroth started off by setting Nibelheim on fire. Getting Jenova out of the tank, sure, fine, that can be explained by the voices screaming in his head, but who made him decide that particular town specifically needed burnination with fire before he even started to go rescue mom? Even odds says there was a snickering seven year old boy with a slug involved. XDDDD
Hee hee hee--I've never had gum in my hair, so I've only heard about the peanut butter thing. I'm filing the ice thing away just in case.

*snickers* And I'm lucky --even as kids, the boys knew you do not mess with a Black female's hair, not unless you want a World Of Hurt. Putting a slug or something into a girl's hair would have brought down the Wrath of the Gods, I swear--it wouldn't have been just her, it would have been her mother, probably the kid's mom, and maybe the teachers. >XD I know if a boy had put anything into my hair, he would have been praying for a quick and speedy death (as a kid, I hated getting my hair done, and as soon as I saw my mother with the comb, brush, and grease, I just started crying because I knew it was going to hurt. And to say nothing of the blowdrier that would start smoking because I had too much hair and they would overheat, or straightening combs...yeah, the boys knew better.)

And oh, man, I'm imagining someone trying to put a slug in Seph's hair now. >XD
oh jeez, I'm sorry! *wibbles at the thought of chibiJou crying every time her hair gets done* For about 15 years my mom made me get perms, and I HATED the sitting there for two hours with chemicals burning your scalp and fumes burning your eyes and coming out at the end of the process looking like Chewbacca, but it was the eighties, and I only had to do it every couple months as opposed to all the time... *wibbles more*

And you know, I can just SEE that being a newbie-Turk-hazing thing: "bet you don't have the balls to.../in order to be a real bona-fide Turk you have to..."

I can also just SEE Reno going "sure, okay!" and troting off to dig. ...While everyone else frantically scrambles to find some way to intervene and/or head the disaster off at the pass before the ensuing explosion takes out at least three of Midgar's reactors and half the structural supports of the tower...
heh--it's more that my mom had no patience at all, and I had long, thick hair, and worse, was what's known as "tender-headed." (I swear, as a kid, that was the first thing the hairdressers asked as soon as my mom trotted me in. They took one look at all my hair and went, "Is she tender-headed?" and then went D: as soon as mom nodded.) So I felt every single tangle when Mom was trying to brush them out, and my hair tangled like mad because the hairs are so fine (seriously, as soon as I run a comb or brush through my hair, it retangles. It's insane.) Mom had no patience for slowly working the tangles out, so yeah, as soon as I saw that comb and brush, I knew it was bad times for me. ^^;;; I was so glad when I was old enough to do my own hair, since I had no problems taking my time with it.

And oh, man, perms. Perms suuuuuuuuuck. My mom bitches at me for not perming my hair straight anymore, and I'm like "Why would I do that stupid, stupid thing?" It hurts and makes my hair even more of a tangled, insane mess. My life is so much easier since I stopped with that mess. XD

And OH GOD. I can see Reno doing that, too, and everyone going, "Oh fucking hell, I didn't think he'd really HIT THE DECK!!!"

And Reno also gaining his reputation as the speediest Turk in the same little stunt...because he got away. XDDD