[fic] The Best Laid Plans (ff7)

Title: The Best Laid Plans
Author: joudama
Fandom: FF7
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crackilicious! And brain-breaking! Also, involves things that should never be done to books. Ever. *cackles manically* Seph is my new chew toy now, I think.
Word count: 1,599
Summary: Even Sephiroth wants Genesis to shut up about "Loveless."
A/N: This sprang from a chat with a friend where we were talking about Genesis and that damned book, and I bunnied myself. >XD ...I love you, Gackt. *kissieface*


Even Sephiroth had his limits.

Sephiroth was a patient man; he really didn't have any choice but to be, the way he had been "raised." But even he had his limits, and he had reached the end of his.

If he had to hear one more line from "Loveless," he was going to snap.

Really, he thought, trying not to twitch as Genesis started quoting it yet again, the man's obsession with the book really wasn't healthy. He longingly considered just hitting Genesis with Mute, but the man was, in theory, at least, his friend, and he knew Angeal would get angry. For some reason, Angeal never seemed to mind Genesis' constant quoting of Loveless, but Sephiroth greatly suspected that when Genesis started, Angeal completely tuned the man out until the "I'm quoting Loveless" pose went away. One of the good things about being a SOLDIER--one of the only good things--was they could hear heartbeats and pick up on small, physiological changes; there was a physiological change when Genesis started quoting.

Sephiroth tried tuning Genesis out. It ended badly, namely with Genesis screaming at him, and then swords came out, and Genesis was spouting Loveless the whole time he was trying to take Sephiroth's head off, and Sephiroth didn't dare try and tune him out then.

Afterwards, Genesis pouted for a good week, and Angeal was angry at him. Angeal had always had a bit of an overprotective streak about Genesis, and Sephiroth understood why people sometimes said they wanted to beat their heads against a desk. He hadn't before; now the understanding was there with a clarity that made him a bit nervous to contemplate.

Especially after Genesis started spouting Loveless again. Sephiroth suddenly wanted to beat his head against something until he was unconscious, but knew he was more likely to end up destroying whatever he was hitting rather than knocking himself into blessed, Loveless-less unconsciousness.

That didn't stop him from twitching just a little.

His eyes landed on the book in Genesis' hand, and he was a little amazed at how very, very much he hated that book. And how very satisfying it would be to...

Sephiroth suddenly found himself smiling. And for some reason, that made Angeal's hands twitch automatically for his sword and Genesis take a few steps back.

"Seph? Are you all right?" Angeal said, his voice a bit wary.

Sephiroth couldn't seem to make the little smile stop, and he really didn't want to, because the mental image of "Loveless" in flames was filling him with an odd kind of...glee. "I'm fine. But excuse me, I just thought of something I need to do," he said, and with a polite nod of good-bye, headed towards his quarters to plan.


It seemed an easy thing to plan. Even Genesis wouldn't have the book on him all the time. It would be an easy thing, to get it and burn in.

Yes, Genesis could always buy himself a new copy. But perhaps the message would come through, that other people hated it and he should perhaps shut up. And, Sephiroth thought, if nothing else, it would be satisfying to burn it. If he burned it just once, he would be able to think of the little pile of ashes every time Genesis started quoting it. Really, it was to save his own sanity.

At first, Sephiroth tried to simply have some trooper go into Genesis' room and take the book and bring it to Sephiroth. There was, after all, a reason he was a general.

The trooper--some small, thin, black-haired boy with too much energy who surely wasn't old enough to even be in the army, ended up running screaming from Genesis' room, throwing his helmet at the monster of some sort chasing him (and, Sephiroth noticed, the boy had good aim and did quite a bit of damage with the helmet; perhaps the boy would bear watching), and quite a bit of havoc was raised until Sephiroth killed it.

After that, Sephiroth decided he would have to take matters into his own hands. He waited until Angeal and Genesis were off sparring, and snuck as stealthily as he could through ShinRa headquarters and into Genesis' room.

It took a surprisingly long time to find the book. Eventually, he did manage to find it--it was tucked inside a chest, and Sephiroth knew after the last time that the chest was booby-trapped with a monster. It was the work of an instant to slice the monster's head off as soon as it appeared, but that meant he had a mess to clean up, and quickly. It was easy to cast a Fire 3 on it to get rid of the remains, but not so much so to clean the ashes and get rid of the smell of charred...whatever the hell Genesis had put in the chest with the book.

But finally, finally, there it was. He knew by now that there wasn't much time, but he also knew he didn't need much any more--all he had to do was grab the book, run, and then douse the book with gasoline and throw a match at it. Certainly, a Fire spell would work, but it just wouldn't be as satisfying.

Sephiroth couldn't keep the smile of satisfaction off his face as he reached into the chest and picked up the book.

But as soon as he lifted the book out of the chest, he discovered that there was yet another booby-trap.

The book started wailing.


He supposed that this was music--there were guitars and drums wailing along with the voice that sounded suspiciously like Genesis'--but it made Sephiroth want to drop the book and run. He dropped the book, hoping that would make it shut up, but no, it kept right on wailing.


He slammed the lid of the chest shut, but could still hear the book wailing away, and by then he could hear--barely, thanks to all the noise the damn book was making--the sound of footsteps running towards the room, and Sephiroth cursed. It was Genesis, and there was no way he could get out before Genesis got there.

He looked around for an escape, and saw there was none, and as the door started to slide open, Sephiroth did the only thing he could do.

Flung himself under Genesis' bed.

Genesis ran in and went straight for the chest, opened it, took out "Loveless," and then, thank the gods, the wailing finally stopped. Sephiroth almost let out a sigh of relief but didn't dare, not wanting to give his position away.

Hiding under Genesis' bed, Sephiroth wondered when this had become his life. He made a face at the dust under the bed; did Genesis never sweep under here? His hair was trailing in it, and he thought with irritation that now he was going to have to wash his hair, and that took quite a long time, especially with drying time added in.

It did, however, give him hope that Genesis wouldn't think to look under the bed. Obviously, the man never gave the underside of his bed any kind of thought at all.

Now, if only Genesis would leave or start looking around so Sephiroth could make his escape...

That now-familiar feeling of wanting to bang his head against something hard came back as Genesis sat on the bed and began crooning to Loveless.

"Did someone touch you, baby? You poor thing. But don't worry, the bad person is gone now, and I'll make it all better."

Sephiroth could all but imagine Genesis stroking the book as he crooned to it like one would an animal when Genesis made a faint sound that made Sephiroth's blood run cold and something--nausea, a part of his mind filled in helpfully--settled around him.

"That's right, my beloved--unn--no one, ohhh, touches you but me...I'll, unh, keep you with me all--aahhh---all the time, to keep you nnnnn safe..."

He was...Genesis was...with his book...

He wanted to cover his ears with his hands, but he knew his hearing--he would still be able to hear this. And if he tried to flee now, he would probably have the misfortune of actually seeing whatever Genesis was doing to, doing with (Sephiroth didn't want to actually know) the book.

One thing was certain. That book was now completely safe from Sephiroth, because after this? He was never touching it again. In fact, he was probably going to go boil his hands after he got out of here. He would certainly heal fast enough if he did.

And oh gods, even now, he was quoting that book.

That was when Sephiroth finally had to concede defeat. Genesis had finally beaten him. Or rather, Sephiroth thought as he found himself curled under Genesis' bed in a fetal ball, broken him.

Eventually, Genesis made a sound that Sephiroth would give his life to unhear, and after a while, Genesis's heart rate and breathing slowed, and Sephiroth knew the man must be asleep. And as soon as the sleep seemed deep enough, Sephiroth crawled out from under the bed and fled the room, making sure not to look at the bed and Genesis.

He finally made it back to his own room, where he dropped onto his bed and shuddered, and realized the truth of the words "There are some battles that you just can't win."

This, it seemed, was one of them.
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Oh my god O.o You have scarred my brain XD When Genesis started getting frisky with the book I lost it! My parents probably think I'm insane XD Every time I hear that book quoted as I play CC I want to scream.I wouldn't mind as much if he read/recited a different scene >( But the imagery and the Loveless ashes *snort* Does anyone besides me think of the manga series Loveless every time the poem is mentioned in CC?
Yay, brain-scarring! My work here is done. >XD

And you are not alone; I always think of the manga, and the problem is, that manga makes me twitch--I tried to watch the anime version of it and I actually had to stop. I couldn't finish it at all (every single time Ritsuka and Soubi were near each other, I started screaming, "GET AWAY FROM THAT CHILD!"), and I still flinch every time I see the name. So yeah, CC and Genesis' "Loveless" was a special kind of hell.

Also, I think I kind of like breaking Sephiroth. I never break him very badly, after all, and it's always for comedic effect. >XD
awesome crack, indeed.
Seph!crack is the best crack. >XDDD


I think this is even more warped than clonepreg, for the record. XDDDD

poor Sephiroth. No wonder his hair's gone white. There was a horrible accident involving the brain bleach and the funnel he stuck in his ear, you see.

And nobody could really blame him for cracking after an onslaught of experiences like this! Sometimes vaporizing the known world really is the rational reaction, honest! It was all Genesis' fault. *nods* The 'give me your cells' part was just the icing on the cake of brainmelting wrongness.

I'm not even kidding when I saw I was giggling like a maniac when I was writing this. And when the, um, end came with Genesis, um, enjoying his book, my brain broke and the giggling changed into maniacal laughing. This is so wrong it's deliciously right.

Seph, I've just realized, is my new chew toy. >XD That was why I had so much fun with the last bit of crack I wrote--it was all breaking Seph in a crack kind of way.

And thus, yes, when Jenova finally shows, Seph finally can just crack all the the way instead of insanity via a thousand shots of crack. And it is all Genesis' fault.

And now I think I'm going to have to write a crackfic where Genesis is trying to get cells from Sephiroth, because oh god. Fear for when I finally get my own PSP and can play Crisis Core, because then I will have ammo.
Oh Em Eff Gee. And the fact that you were listening to Love Letter when you posted this somehow only makes it WRONGER.

I thought my brain had exploded at the "CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!" part, but no. That was nothing compared to. To.

BRAIN BLEACH NOW PLZ. AHAHAHA. *dies and is dead*
*snicker* Why do you think I chose a Gackt song to listen to when I posted that? FOR THE WRONG. SO WRONG IT'S RIGHT. >XDDDDDDD

This is the most broken, cracked thing I've ever written, even more than ShinraMart, and I love it because it's so deliciously, deliciously wrong.

But you want to know the kick in the head? I couldn't write Sephiroth right until this fic. Now I know how to write him. So I owe this crack a huge debt of gratitude. Thanks, G!