[fic] ShinraMart - "One-Stop Shopping"

Title: "One-Stop Shopping"
Author: joudama
Fandom: FF7 AU Conbiniverse
Rating: G
Warnings: craaaaaaack
Word count: 690
Summary: TPTB decide that ShinraMart needs a jingle.
A/N: ...I sang the "jingle" to test it; it does indeed scan. >XDDDDDDD Also, thanks to laurent_atl and seishonagon on LJ for the translations!
Prompt: Brainstorming the ShinraMart jingle.

"One-Stop Shopping."

"And on to other business," Scarlet said, sounding bored. "We've done some market research, and found that our old jingle, 'Shop at ShinraMart,' is scoring in the negatives. It doesn't seem to match the image we want. I was thinking we should roll out a new jingle with a new ad campaign. We should start ads that really show the force and power of ShinraMart as a shopping source."

"Hmm," President ShinRa said, looking thoughtful. "How are the new anti-shoplifting ads going?"

Scarlet flipped a few pages of her report. "Quite well, actually. Shoplifting is down slightly, although we have had problems with people stealing the posters. Which, if you think about it, really isn't so much of a problem, since it means people like them."

"Well, let's just sell the posters, then," the president said, shrugging. "That solves the problem right there."

"Maybe we could do a web-exclusive kind of thing," Reeve said, lighting up. "Increase traffic to our website as well."

"Good idea!" the president said, nodding. "Now, about the jingle..."

"Yes. Since the posters do so well, it seems that the 'dark, commanding' type of thing does well with our customers. It also projects the corporate image of killing the competition by showing us to be strong and commanding, and customers are loyal to strength. Our old jingle, well, it's a bit..." she trailed off before wrinkling her nose.

She pulled out a tape recorder and pushed play, letting the current jingle, a bouncy little song with a woman with a high-pitched voice singing "ShinraMart has it all! Lowest prices, best selection, ShinraMart! ShinraMart! For all your shopping needs, ShinraMart! ShinraMart!"

President ShinRa frowned. "That won't do at all! I want a new jingle and within a week! That, what, midi? Has got to go. The melody is all right and I do like the 'ShinraMart! ShinraMart!' part. Those can stay. We do need to keep some consistency from before. Show we're evolving, not just changing. Becoming larger, more robust, a force to be reckoned with."

"A wonderful idea sir! In that case, we should incorporate the new slogan as well," Scarlet said, nodding.

"Which one? The 'We Kill All the Competition' or "Shoplifters, Put It Back?" Reeve said, frowning slightly.

President ShinRa grinned. "Why, both! Obviously, people like the 'Put It Back' anti-shoplifting campaign, if they keep stealing the posters."

"Those might not rhyme very well..." Scarlet said doubtfully.

"Hmm," Reeve said, stroking his beard. "I have an idea, then..."

--

"It certainly is a bit...um...orchestral...for a jingle, I mean," Cloud asked, feeling a bit like his two days off hadn't been enough.

Zack shrugged. "Do I have to remind you of the anti-shoplifting posters? They have flames, Cloud."

"...Right. So we have to play this over and over again all shift?" Cloud said, still blinking very slowly.

Zack nodded. "Yup. But don't worry too much. The first day is the worst, but eventually, you tune it out. Promise. I barely even notice it anymore."

"That's good, I guess." Cloud frowned as he listened, looking thoroughly puzzled. "Wait...Is that a chorus that just started singing, too? Why are they singing in Latin? Our new jingle is in Latin?"

Zack shook his head. "Don't ask me how the guys in corporate think. I have no idea. But, hey," he said, grinning and gesturing with his thumb, "Seph seems to like it."

"...Um," Cloud said, eyes wide as Sephiroth, in perfect time with the music, whipped out his broom and slammed it down with almost dancer-like grace on a would-be shoplifter's hand as the guy tried to slip a candy bar into his pocket, a tiny, self-satisfied smile on Seph's face.

The man ran out screaming, and Cloud stared wide-eyed at Sephiroth, who did indeed seem to like the music. A lot. He kept that odd little smile on his face and really was moving in time with the thundering chorus chanting in Latin as he swept.

There was a long silence before Zack finally spoke. "....Payday is Friday."

"Payday is Friday," Cloud repeated, and vowed to "misplace" the newest shipment of Jenova Cakes until five minutes before his shift ended, because, well, they just didn't pay him enough to deal with this and Seph on another sugar high. After all, he still had nightmares from the Jenova Cakes Incident.

"~SHINRAMART!~"

--
OMAKE:

"One-Stop Shopping"

Caedimus totam,
We kill all
Totam concurrentiam
All the competition
Caedimus totam,
We kill all
Totam concurrentiam
All the competition
ShinraMart!
ShinraMart!

Caedimus totam,
We kill all
Totam concurrentiam
All the competition
Caedimus totam,
We kill all
Totam concurrentiam
All the competition
ShinraMart!
ShinraMart!

Pro omnia
For all
Obsonia necessaria
Your shopping needs
Pro omnia
For all
Obsonia necessaria
Your shopping needs

Praedones, praedones
Prosecuted, prosecuted
Praedones postulabuntur
Shoplifters will be prosecuted
Praedones, praedones
Prosecuted, prosecuted
Praedones postulabuntur
Shoplifters will be prosecuted

Praedones, praedones (Haec repone!)
Prosecuted, prosecuted (Put it back!)
Praedones postulabuntur (Haec repone!)
Shoplifters will be prosecuted (Put it back!)
Praedones, praedones (Haec repone!)
Prosecuted, prosecuted (Put it back!)
Praedones postulabuntur (Haec repone!)
Shoplifters will be prosecuted (Put it back!)
ShinraMart!

Caedimus totam,
Totam concurrentiam,
Caedimus totam,
Totam concurrentiam,
ShinraMart!
ShinraMart!

Comments

::dies giggling::

That's AWESOME.
*bows* Now you see why I was all, "Aw, damn!" over this one? Because "SHINRAMART!" to the tune of "SEPHIROTH!" popped into my head instantly.
You are an evil woman. You have rather thoroughly broken my brain. I have sat here giggling for about five minutes straight, and read out the little CZS bit to my partner. He has given his decided opinion that I am silly.

Or in other words, I loved this. Oh, and I now have the ShinraMart jingle running through my head as an earworm. Thanks ever so.
PS: I quite sympathise with Cloud. I've worked in places where taking a day off means you've effectively lost touch with the job-specific crazy, and you have to readjust your brain to cope with whichever weird direction it's tangented off at this time. Given ShinraMart is a crackverse place in the first place, taking two days off in sequence would result in something rather like extended recompression on your first day back. At least if you've taken a longer break, you can be expected not to know what the holy heck is going on - getting back into the swing of things is easier that way, because you just take the crazy you have as your starting context, and integrate all the new weird in on top. With a short break, you have to try and figure out how the merry hells things got from *there* (where they were when you left) to *here* (where they are now) without the aid of the logical leaps and integral weird which comes with the workplace.
*nods* Yeah. ShinraMart is one of those places where everything is the same and then suddenly it's not. Cloud, poor baby, took the wrong days off, and came back to insanity. He's trying to catch up, and it's just not working for him.
I now have the ShinraMart jingle running through my head as an earworm. Thanks ever so.

Oh, you're more than welcome! *ducks*

And glad you liked it! >XDDDD
DEAD NOW. x_x

I-- I was using those lungs. Not very well, granted, with the upper respiratory infection and all, but I used to be rather attached to them...
ShinraMart sells Phoenix Downs! Well, Phoenix-brand Feathery Lolly-Downs. Right next to the Juicy Jelly Tonberry Tots. They're close enough. Aisle three. >XD

And I have had "Haec repone" going through my head ALL WEEKEND. And I have NO REGRETS.

And ara, an upper respiratory infection!? Yipes! Take care!
I'd take the ShinraMart jingle playing on the speakers instead of the crap commercials I usually have to deal with. Ah, retail...